1. Rename yourself as a Scrubber – not quite a slag, not quite a total slag – go on, don’t be shy
2. Have a strong knowledge of those iconic British TV moments – you know the ones – no, not those – did you bring your sausage rolls – and are you au fait with pop culture, and know that it has much greater significance than people bring to it?
3. Remember that there’s no difference between high art and low art – that it’s all valuable – as are the people who make it
4. Check Gemma Collins’ Instagram daily – and don’t forget your warmups
5. Have a great sense of humour, to the extent that you can make Maggie Thatcher satire hilarious in 2021
6. Have real moments of pathos, that explore issues of classism, national identity and the failure of ‘safe spaces’ to be truly safe
7. Hope that things are changing
8. Know that drama schools aren’t things to be taken too seriously, but can also have damaging impacts on people’s self-esteem and prospects
9. Take the oath, and remember to participate with the Scrubbers in a way that feels incredibly natural, even over the awkwardness of Zoom technical difficulties
10. Respect the obvious comic talent of our two lead Scrubbers, whose comedy double act deserves to do a GC and fly off the dramatic diving board
11. Sail off into the sunset with Jane McDonald, knowing that things get better
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